Lost Season Giveaways

Image via Amy Irvin/38 Photography

Back when it looked like this season was going the way of the early 90s Flyers, or that team that John Stevens had to save with the power of sheet cake, the Flyers’ PR department formed a plan. When your season is going badly, the best thing you can do to get butts in the seats is a whole bunch of wacky giveaways. It works in the minor leagues, and it would have worked for the Flyers. Thankfully, they never had to open the super secret locker containing these plans. However, my sources in the Wells Fargo Center have provided me with the details on some of these proposed giveaways.

Flyers Animal Dolls

The Flyers were going to create animal personas for some of their most beloved players. Kids eat that stuff up.

Rataldo Doll mockup

• Zac Rataldo

• Who doesn’t love a good rat? Plaster an orange 36 on an adorable rat doll, give it Rino’s eyebrows, and you’re selling out the family section like nobody’s business. Why aren’t we calling him “Rataldo” already? This is a franchise waiting to happen. Throw in Hartnell as a dog and give me animation rights.

• Scott Barknell

• Hartnell practically looks like a dog already when he’s got that big, flopping curly hair going. Whenever he’s not on the ice, the fans should be saying, “Where’s Hartsy?”

• Jakub BOARacek

• Everyone’s favorite floppy haired Czech, now in boar form. No, not one of those vicious ones that drive children to madness on small islands, but a cute one like in The Lion King.

• Braydon GOATburn

• Everyone favorite scapegoat, now as an actual goat!

Ray Emery boxing gloves

Get it, because Ray Emery likes boxing and beat the crap out of Braden Holtby that one time.

“G” Strings

You plaster Captain Claude’s face on thin ladies underwear, and blam! Giveaway gold. G branded G-string night.

Hal Gill

Defenseman Hal Gill hangs out with you during the game, as you pound giant beers and try and make all that hockey pain go away.

Kimmo Beano Night

Celebrate Kimmo Timonen’s final (but probably not) season in the NHL with some dietary supplement!

Sean Couturier Denture Set

Free dentures for the first 5,000 fans in honor of the Flyers’ toothless defensive stalwart.

Steve (Free)Mason Night

Pretty sharp look IMO

Freemasons get in for an even greater discount than the one they already get. Other benefits include a special edition orange and black #35 shirsey with the Freemason logo, along with a meet and greet with Flyers goalie Steve Mason. Mason has requested membership, but would prefer to avoid the Unblinking Eye. Secretly controlling the world has never been more fun!

Wayne Simmonds Train Whistle

Here comes the Wayne Train! Children 14 and under can annoy the ever loving crap out of their friends and family with this special train whistle shaped like Wayne Simmonds’ stick.

(Editor's Note: It was brought to our attention that the #HartnellDown people have already produced the Wayne Simmonds Train Whistle. Great minds and all that. Stick tap to @KellyDaBunny)

Removable C

Pretend your best friend is Eric Lindros or Claude Giroux and strip them of the captaincy! Fun for the whole family.

Steve Jacot is the resident dummy at Flyerdelphia. Follow him on Twitter! Or don't!