Next Tuesday is a huge day for the Sixers faithful. At last, we find out if the tanking was worth it, if the NBA is indeed rigged for the Lakers, and if the Jrue trade was was actually worth it. Yes, its the yearly NBA Draft Lottery, and it's easily the most exciting 30 seconds of the 2013-2014 Sixers season since McDubs took it coast to coast on Lebron in the opening seconds the first game. And lets be thankful that we have so much extra excitement and energy going into Tuesday, because the Draft Lottery has to be one of the most boring 30 minutes of sports-related television in any given year. So while we don't need any motivation to tune in this year (I myself am having a Lottery party, and will be posting a running-diary of the excitement shortly thereafter), here's 10 things I'd love to see happen at the Draft Lottery, just to make an already special event even more special. In reverse order:
10. Mark Tatum proves to be an entertaining guy. Who is Mark Tatum you ask? Why he is the deputy commissioner of the NBA. And he seems like quite an impressive guy. And we're going to be seeing more of him in the next few weeks, as basically the only jobs the Deputy gets is to host the lottery and the 2nd round of the draft. Adam Silver managed to build a fairly recognizable persona in his limited public roles as second banana, so lets see if Mark can do the same. Only one chance for a first impression, Mark (I'm sure they covered that at Harvard Business School).
9. The Cavs don't bring an entourage. I am tired of these shenanigans. They brought a rapper named Machine Gun Kelly to last years draft lottery. Don't know who that is? It's this guy:
You know what else the Cavs did last year? Drafted Anthony Bennet. To quote Raymond from "White Men Can't Jump" (a movie I will quote frequently), "You score on me you can talk. Shut me down you can talk! But you eat s**t? You shut up."
8. We order takeout. Ok that was a plug from my wife, always pushing her Chinese food agenda on me. But I think an occasion like this requires something a bit special (not TOO special though, it is just the Lottery), so were grillin up dogs and burgers, whipping up some buffalo chicken dip, and perhaps topping it off with a few Philly Pale Ales or some Woodford. It's going to be a while before any Draft Lottery is as fun as this one for Sixers fans, so lets all be sure to enjoy it. And of course, any excuse to grill and drink on a Tuesday.
7. One team is represented at the Lottery by their mascot. First off, mascots are awesome. Second off, all you do at the lottery is sit there and look silly. I'm pretty sure its actually in the job description of a mascot to sit there and look silly. So why not send the mascot? Plus I would love some mascot hijinks to liven up the proceedings. Imagine recently face-lifted Pierre the Pelican and the Phoenix Gorrilla doing one of those sneak attack dunks on Orlando Senior VP Pat Williams during the build up? I LOVE THIS GAME.
6. We see lots of the "Face." You know the face I'm talking about. The frozen stare of an executive or player who was just forced to sit quietly behind a podium for 45 minutes watching nothing happen, wondering if that guy in the audience is Birdman or Machine Gun Kelly, until he finds out they do in fact have the 13th pick, and it was pointless being there all along, but they can't show any emotion for fear of jerks like me screencapping it. Instead you get the "Face." Let's go chalk and assume that the new owners of the Bucks, who are probably overly excited to be participating in their first NBA event, bring way too much enthusiasm and then absolutely murder the "Face" meter when they drop to 4th.
5. The Sixers do NOT send Joshua Harris to the Lottery. Look, I really like Josh Harris (as much as you can like a billionaire Wall Street-type anyway). I 100% approve of the way he is running the team, the management he has hired, and the willingness of him and his ownership group to get worse in order to get better. But the man is not cut out for public appearances. He's always so awkward! I know someone has to speak up while Hinkie is off Beautiful Mind-ing in the Sixers war room, but isn't that why Scott O'Neill exists? Josh, do us a favor and just invite AI up to your Park Ave penthouse, grill burgers and dogs like the rest of us hoi polloi, and enjoy the show.
4. The Sixers DO send some sort of excellent historical good luck charm. The Sixers, in cooperation with 97.5 The Fanatic, actually fan-scourced some ideas for a good luck charm this time around. It's a nice way to get fans to participate, but here's hoping the ideas don't start and stop with cheesesteaks or an Eagles jersey. I'd like to see some nods to the Sixers history in the choice of person and/or good luck charm. A previous #1 pick would be nice, but that limits you to Doug Collins (too busy pallin' around with Jalen et al.) and AI (in Joshua's penthouse – see item 5). The new ownership has done a nice job connecting the Sixers with their past, and in a continuation of that theme how about we send Harvey Pollack? The Sixers stats guru is an NBA legend, was buddies with Wilt, and hasn't worn the same shirt in almost 4,000 days! That's like the opposite of wearing the same socks every day for good luck, thats how damn good Harvey is. I'd be happy to put my draft fate in his hands.
3. That we do't hear the name "Donald Sterling" throughout the broadcast. This guy … I mean just when the story is slowly dying down, he goes on CNN and apologizes for being a racist in the most racist way possible and now we're back to living in his world. I'm beyond sick of Sterling and ready to wash his stink from al NBA proceedings for the rest of the year. I know ESPN will have a hard time resisting the urge to draw some sort of odd connection between the Lottery and Sterling, but just do us all a favor and know when enough is enough. (Ha! I know, impossible. Seriously, while I'm typing this I'm watching ESPN and they just cut into Wizards-Pacers to give an update on Sterling. We're doomed.)
2. The Lakers and Celtics suffer as much as possible. The Celts and Lakers sit at 5th and 6th, respectively. Not only must they not even SNIFF the top 3 picks, but we're gonna need them to fall as much as possible. For them to move down in the draft, teams have to leap them into the top-3 (reminder how the lottery works; only the top-3 picks are up for grabs. If you don't get one of those, you stay in your orginal place). Now obviously we don't want anyone jumping the Sixers, so our best outcome would be Sixers get the first pick, then 2 other teams (DEAR GOD PLEASE NOT THE PELICANS) leap the Celts and Lakers into the top 3. Let's go with the Pistons (holla SVG) and the Suns (they deserve a consolation prize for the tough finish to the season). And voila! Lakers-Celtic-Schadenfreud. The only thing that could be better is …
1. The Sixers get a pick enabling them to draft Andrew Wiggins. I'm not sure which pick it will take (1st? 3rd?) but I sure hope it happens. Pretty pretty please??
