It's a testament to how excited Sixers fans are for this Draft Lottery that I'm going to write a running diary of what is, in any other year, probably the most boring 30 minutes of television one can find. Thankfully my household has enough snark to turn even the most boring of television into something entertaining, so here's how it went down as we watched the ping-pong balls bounce where they may.
(7:55) The buffalo chicken dip is bubbling, the grill is fired up, lets get this going. Quick hit on the remote and OH GOD I forgot I have to listen to Simmons. He trashed our Sixers earlier in case you missed it. Also, how is everyone else feeling about ole Dougie C? Honestly I was all in on him as our coach but then KWAME BROWN and now I kind of can't stand him. Ahhh the powers of Kwame Brown.
(7:59) A nice shot of all the potential draftees in attendance (have they always had these guys here?), but all of us in attendance here are really underwhelmed by the level of haberdashery. Here's hoping the outfits are more lively come the actual draft. My wife officially declares that "the draft day suit is dead."
(8:00) Here's how you stretch out a 15 second event into a 30 minute television show: you explain how the machine that sucks up lottery balls works. Oh really, you turn on a switch and then it goes? Also, we spend all this time discussing who should sit at the podium for the teams, but really shouldn't we be discussing who is in the secret room where the actual drawing happens?
(8:01) Chad Ford reporting that Wiggins draft stock just took a hit when the world realized he isn't taller than ESPN reported Heather Cox. Meanwhile, Heather is currently projecting in the lottery, right between Tyler Ennis and James Young.
(8:08) Doug Collins and Bill Simmons bloviating about whatever. Actually, Doug says something interesting; he suggests teams will wait until the draft and free agency are over, then hire a coach to fit the players they acquired. This is exactly what the Sixers did last summer, and were raked over the coals for doing. Are we seeing a change in coach hiring strategies? Or is Dougie C just smoking the rest of his Hinkie rocks?
(8:10) My wife suggests this feels like the "Model UN of Random Basketball People." I nominate Dr. J as Secretary-General and immediately move to expel the Cavs from this esteemed body for turning these hallowed proceedings into a joke the last few years. How are they still so bad??
(8:14) Introductions of the team reps, and speaking of reppin, there's Markief Morris reppin the Suns, Philadelphia, and proper draft-related-event attire. Take note young rooks, there's still plenty of time to get to Boyds on Chestnut and get your own pink custom suit.
(8:14) Kyle Singler is present to petition for membership in the Model UN of Random Basketball People, while Secretary-General J looks at him cockeyed and says "who let you in here?" Can't decide if Singler being sent to the Lottery by the Pistons is teaching us something about Kyle, or reinforcing what we already know about the Pistons.
(8:15) Stephen Pagliuca, Co-Owner of the Celtics, just jumped the starter gun and gave Heather Cox a touch of "The Face" while she described his good luck tie. This can only bode well for #6 and #2 from my 10 predictions for the lottery.
(8:16) Secretary-General J delivering some serious straight talk. How can you not love this guy?
(8:17) Um ….
And here I thought for sure the Lakers would be the ones cheating.
(8:18) Mallory Edens, daughter of the Bucks new owner, just won the Draft Lottery. And apparently sending your kid to the podium is the new fad, as we had 3 children of owners present at this lottery.
(8:18) OK here we go! And alright Mark Tatum, nailing the landing on his one line of the night.
(8:18) Milt Newton, GM of the Timberwolves, early leader in the clubhouse for the Face award.
(8:19) SIXERS KEEP THE 10th PICK! YES! And in a shocking turn of events, Secretary-General J leaps to the lead of the race for the Face, throwing down this badboy which he quickly names the "Yes They Deserved to Lose their Pick and I Hope They Rot in Hell" face. (Actually just looked more confused than anything, but a Face is a Face!)
(8:19) Cavs jump into the top 3, which means that the Pistons just lost their pick (petition for UN membership DENIED Kyle Singler) but more so SIXERS STATUS AS #2 PICK IN DANGER. Silence in our house, as one more team jumping into the top could push the Sixers to the 4th pick.
(8:20) Ahhh suck it Lakers and Celtics. Have fun deciding if Doug McDermott is a reach at 6. And what on Earth could the son of the Jazz owner be writing while the Jazz are announced at 5? I'll tell you what. "Don't make a face, don't make a face, don't make a face."
(8:21) The plus side of not hearing your name before this completely unnecessary commercial break: you're picking in the top 3. The minus side: the excruciating anxiety while you sit through this completely unnecessary commercial break.
(8:23) My wife just declared she's pulling for Mallory because she's so beautiful. There's so much I can't write about that …
(8:23) General consensus among my friends before we get our final verdict: not much excitement about being in the top 3, tons of terror from Cleveland jumping up. Room is TENSE …
(8:23) …. ARGH ENOUGH ALREADY! FINISH THE STORY!!!! I CANT TAKE IT!!!
(8:25) Third pick. OK. I mean, we got a top three pick and kept the 10th pick. This is a success, we- THE CAVS? CAVS?!?! The CAVS get the first pick? How could that possibly be? How could they do that to sweet, dear Mallory? How can you be allowed to pick first ever again after the Anthony Bennet debacle, let alone the next year?!?!?! I'm flabbergasted. Somehow this makes getting the third pick sting even more. How could we lose to those guys.
(8:28) After letting it soak in a bit, I'm feeling … disappointed. This likely rules out any chance of Wiggins barring some sort of unusual trade that Hinkie is too smart to make. And 5 dollars to the first person to find a mock draft that doesn't have Parker slotted in the 3rd spot, because I really don't want him.
(8:30) In the last 2 minutes I've completely talked myself into Dante Exum. The down-under connection with Brown, the scoring prowess. I mean he murdered the draft combine. And think about how big our back court will be? Then we grab a 4 with the tenth pick, Exum develops into a superstar …. and everything is ok. Right Sam? Tell us everything is going to be ok. In Hinkie We Trust.
