Let's face it, the Phillies kind of stink. I mean, they don't full
blown stink, but their style of play has been disheartening to say the
least. The offense is particularly horrific. I've racked my brain for
ways to quick fix this team right now. We cannot wait until next year.
We have to get this fixed ASAP. Here's 5 phoolproof ways to fix the
offense of our heroes.
1. STEROIDS
I know what you're thinking, "You dope, steroids are illegal and
they'll all get suspended." This is a valid arguement, however, the art of taking
steroids has become very sophisticated. Plus, there's more than enough
proof that they work. There are ways to take them and be virtually
undetectable. One could potentially take steroids and not get caught
unless you're extremely unlucky and get tested within 24 hours of taking
them. In the words of Phillies legend and special vitamin enthusiast,
Lenny Dykstra, "Whatever it takes, Dude."
2. A MONTAGE
The
quickest way for anyone to get really good at anything in an extremely
short amount of time is to endure a montage. Rocky did it multiple
times. Team America did it too. You can get months of advanced training done in a matter of minutes.
3. ROPES COURSE
Whenever a team needs
solidarity, they always go to ropes courses. I've participated in a few
of these and I'm not sure why they work, but they just do. Trust
circles and zip lines are powerful tools, yo.
4. SEND THEM BACK TO TEE-BALL
Give the Phillies
the old Billy Madison treatment and make them go through the ranks all over again. Then they
would have exactly 6 weeks to work their way back up to the Majors.
This would give them a new found hunger and determination to prove that
they are elite athletes. Plus, it would give the team plenty of time to
evaluate minor league talent to see what they got.
5. RELOCATE THE FRANCHISE
Teams that relocate
tend to play better. Remember that the Baltimore Ravens are actually
the Cleveland Browns and they've won 2 Super Bowls. The Seattle
Supersonics are now the Oklahoma City Thunder and they're probably the
only team that can beat the Miami Heat for the NBA title. The Minnesota
North Stars won a Stanley Cup after becoming the Dallas Stars. The
Hartford Whalers won as the Carolina Hurricanes. Quebec Nordiques won 2
Cups as the Colorado Avalanche. Relocating a team simply works.
Believe me, I'd probably jump off a bridge if the Phillies ever left but
they'd probably win again. Actually, you know they'd win right away
just to torture Philly.
