Frank Fitzpatrick Is “World’s Biggest Phillies Fan”

Posted by Adam Gonsiewski

Philliedelphia/Adam Gonsiewski

With only two weeks remaining until first pitch of the 2011 season, Inquirer columnist Frank Fitzpatrick wrote this little nugget for yesterday's paper. Allow me to summarize for those of you who are too lazy to click on the link. (Even if you did, read on anyway.)

It's essentially Frank Fitzpatrick's application for the position of "World's Biggest Phillies Fan." The article is a list of his "ground rules" for the 2011 season. If you disobey, Fitzpatrick will come to your door and strip the Phillies fan badge right off your chest.

The first rule is that you're not allowed to call the Phillies the "Fightin's" because they stunk back in the late 1990s and early 2000s. Scott Graham, you are no longer a Phillies fan, and you may turn in your memorabilia and gear to Frank Fitzpatrick. Scott Graham was the Phillies radio play-by-play announcer from 1999-2006 who would exclaim "Put this one in the win column for the Fightin' Phils!" if the Fightins', errrr Phillies, came out on top.

The second rule prohibits a Phillies fan from owning a cell phone, and especially them there smartphone things with the internets. There is a clause that also prohibits Facebooking about how the ball girls are hot. I don't know about you Mr. Fitzpatrick, but my friends care!

Attention Phillies fans: We are not allowed to complain about national announcers hating on the Phillies. Joe Buck slipped Frank a $50 to throw that in the article. Also, please join the "Phillies Fans for Joe Buck" Facebook group which I created from my iPhone.

Also, for those of you that do your shopping and Modells or Majestic, Mr. Fitzpatrick forbids you from wearing replica player jerseys. You know, the ones every Phillies fans wear? Apparently, shirseys retain your Phillies fandom, so buy those. Douchebag "Ill" shirts are still unacceptable, even in my book.

Tailgating is also prohibited. True fans buy beers at the game at $7.25 a pop.

Strolling Ashburn Alley for more than half an inning gets you removed from the ballpark. Are there exemptions if I was waiting for a Tony and Luke's cheesesteak? Its the Mets fans making the line so damn long anyway, but I understand if you want to kick my fraud ass out of the Phillies fan club instead.

If you want to remain a Phillies fan, Frank Fitzpatrick requires you to: memorize the stats of every Phillies player in history, recite the current MLB standings, and quietly hiss (definitely not boo) if you are unhappy with the Phillies play on the field.

Well, congratulations Mr. Fitzpatrick, you successfully exterminated every Phillies fan! Not only are you the "World's Biggest Phillies Fan," you also win the award "World's Only Phillies fan." I'm sorry for even trying to become one in the first place, you clearly know what's best.